We can't always get it right, but we should try.

I knew from the start that having children was not going to be easy.  I knew that I would mess them up somehow.  I knew that I was not perfect and that I was going to make mistakes.  We should all know this when we consider becoming parents.

What made me think about this recently was an article about creating a positive work ethic in children.  The article discussed the importance of starting at a young age, giving children age appropriate chores around the house.  The benefits, in short, were listed out as children getting used to a more positive and interactive routine, not being as "fussy" when things don't go their way, learning to work hard at whatever they do.

I began to consider the chores that I routinely give my own children...  This is even shorter.  I don't.  I fall short when it comes to anything ROUTINE at my house because...  well....  I am not used to it...  I want to say that mine and my wife's jobs have us getting home late, and with homework, dinner, etc.  that we don't have time.  I hate excuses.  especially my own...

So, the question arises, what to do about this new found sense of "failure" (lack of a better word)?

When I first read the article, I began thinking about how we typically just go on autopilot during the week and don't intentionally focus on anything other than necessities.  That is the keyword "intentionally".  No child can be expected to do anything intentionally that he/she was not taught or shown intentionally.  

I have seen parents act powerless when their children did not complete chores, when the children had been raised with the unintentional option to not complete the chores.  

(while this is a different issue, I will come back to this at the end!)  

Children need to be raised with the knowledge that chores are a part of life and are a necessity to maintaining a household and growing into a mature adult.  If your children do not have chores in their life, they may be learning that they get to decide what and when they get to do things, and that they don't have to focus on remembering anything.  Yes, this may help with remembering homework also.  

Keep in mind:  This is not a conversation you can have and your children learn work ethic.  Work ethic has to be learned by doing.

If you are one of those parents struggling with getting your children to complete chores, give us a call.  We can help.  

If you are one of the parents, like me, that realized that your children need regular chores in the first place, we can help with that also.

There is a lot on my mind right now.

I am currently sitting in my hotel room in Delaware, reviewing the past 5 days of training that I have received in Parental Alienation and Estrangement.  I have listened to lecture, discussed scenarios, role-played, and asked any question that I could think of in an effort to get the most out of this training.  The training has been 7 to 8 hours each day.  I could go into all the new information that I've learned, but there is something else on my mind right now, the people.  I met some great people this week from California, Texas, New York, New Jersey, and Delaware (obviously).  I had a great time getting to know everyone.  

One of the most memorable activities was watching the videos of Salvador Minuchin council with families and consult with the therapists under his supervision.  To hear Linda Gottlieb talk about her mentor was extremely touching.  

If you had asked me before this week, I would have told you that I didn't have anyone I wanted to meet, I didn't have a "hero" per se.  After this training, I would have to say not only Salvador Minuchin, but also Linda Gottlieb.  I did not get to pick her brain too much this week, but hearing about everything that she has done with her program and how she works with families was impressive and made me want to know more.  I have benefited so much from Linda's instruction.

If you know me personally, you know that I am a very nostalgic person.  I hate when memorable events end.  I have to admit how sad I am that this is all over.  I miss my wife and kids, I have missed them every night this past week.  I can't wait to see them tomorrow evening.  That not withstanding, I am going to look back on this with much more than a memory of training, but relationship building and a sense of comradery.  I honestly hope that I get to keep in touch with everyone and come back someday for a "refresher".  

Thank you, Linda, for staying in touch and inviting me to this training.  To everyone else reading this, I hope this encourages you to take that "extra step" and experience something new, get out of your comfort zone.  Let me know if I can help.

Family Dynamics in Divorce

I have come to a place in my practice where I work with a lot of custody cases.  I work with the children through the instability and uncertainty typically associated with custody disputes.  What I have witnessed is that some parents forget that children still love and want a relationship with the other parent.  Too many children feel pulled in the middle of these disputes, like they have to choose a side.  This is not what family is supposed to be.  At no time in Scripture are children told to only honor one parent, but not the other.

When one parent talks about the other parent in front of the child, seeds of hate and resentment are planted that could potentially grow into the child's personality and actions.  There are some parents that mean no ill-will toward the ex-spouse, and want their child to have a better relationship with the other parent, but negative comments still get in the way.  

The magic word here is "boundaries".  Boundaries are the walls we put up in our mind to keep our mess from spilling over to other people.  Boundaries are what allow people continue working their job despite having stress at home.  Boundaries are what allow us to get along with people, even if we don't fully agree with their views or beliefs.  And boundaries are what teach children how they can love imperfect people.

Parents need to understand that having boundaries does not mean to lie, avoid, or minimize problems.  Lying, avoiding, and minimizing are never appropriate.  Boundaries are for not allowing your mess about someone to spill over onto others that are not/were not directly involved.  To put it in terms of a marriage, you and your spouse not getting along does not automatically mean that the child was mistreated or that the other person is unfit.

I get told all kinds of things about what a person did or how they used to act, rationalizations on how or why a parent understands and "can't blame" the kid for acting a certain way.  Parents try to convince me how bad the other parent is and how the other parent does not deserve a positive relationship with their child.  This is not a question of what a person "deserves".  This is a question of what parents want to teach their children.

For some reason, it is more difficult to hold children accountable when it comes to the ex-spouse. Parents usually tell me that they want their children to show respect to others, act "right", and be an "outstanding" person.  In the context of the ex-spouse, there seems to be more uncertainty or hesitation.  It is a regular occurrence for the parent to stammer and stutter when answering, holding back because of their own view of the other parent.

To wrap this up, and to put it plainly, this treatment and influence on children is wrong.  If there is a case of a child being mistreated, this needs to be handled quickly and appropriately.  Otherwise, expectations for a child's behavior should not change based on who you feel a person is or what they did to you.  Disrespect and spite would never be considered appropriate reactions in any other venue, and should not be considered appropriate for a parent.  My advice is to raise your children to respect both parents.  Teach them that they can love imperfect people.  This allows them to have their own experiences and draw their own conclusions about people.  They will learn how to better interact with this imperfect world.  Who knows, one day, you may receive the very grace and mercy that you taught them.

My disclaimer:  This blog is not meant to point blame at anyone, but to give a bird's eye view of a very common problem.  It is meant to encourage deeper insight and perspective on how a parent's behavior as an adult influences the child's behavior of other people.  A child's welfare and development should always be a primary focus.  As always, if this is something that you feel is an issue in your life, give us a call and see if we can schedule time to see what we can do.

Semi random thoughts about coming to see me.

During a session recently, I was told that I was "weird".  Through the smiles and laughter, I was told that I was fun and different than what they thought a counselor would be like.  When asked what this person expected, they said they thought I'd be an old guy, with a suit, no smile, and overly serious.  I got so much information out of that session, and the person told their parent that they wanted to come back and talk again.  

I'll be honest.  I always thought I'd focus on adults when I went back to school to be a counselor.  After 3 different jobs that focused my attention on children and adolescents, I have to say that I now feel a little differently.  I now love talking with children and teenagers to see what they want and how they plan to get it.  We brainstorm, often over an activity, to see what options they have and how to get their parents on board.  Sometimes, the focus is getting the parents and children on the same page.  Other times, it is working with the parents, to help them know how to interact and communicate with their children more effectively.  

Adults get the same treatment.  I talk with people.  I let them teach me their life and perspective.  I let them describe what they see, think, and feel.  Even when I am not in my office, I have people that tell me about their lives.  Everybody has a story to tell.  

Telling your story is one of the first steps.  I would dare say that you have to set up the context of the situation first, before you know what you can/want to change.  After that, it is a matter of working out specific steps to reach those goals and the "traps" that can stop you.  As a third party observer, I can help you see what helps or hinders your pursuit of your goals.  

The technical side of getting together is pretty cool, I think.  I set people up by phone, but you can also go the the tab on my website that says "schedule an appointment".  This will take you to a secure site with a calendar.  You sign in, decide the day and whether you want an a.m or p.m. appointment,  My site will then notify me that you want a meeting.  

When you first enter my office, you are greeted by a wonderful front desk staff that ask you if you want anything to drink.  Several people have stated how relaxing it is to have a warm drink (coffee, latte, tea, hot chocolate) while they talk.  For me, it seems to ease the tension and "starch" feeling that medical type offices often have.  

You never really know what your missing until you visit.  Come by and see me.  I would love to talk with you.  

New Beginnings

It has been a long time since I wrote something.  This post seems a little late, a week in to January, but life has been incredible.  In a way, this is "one of those" posts about the New Year and all, but it also about all the changes that have happened despite the time of year.  Since my last post, I have taken a part time job, moved to a bigger office (same area), upgraded to a new logo, new website, finally started getting paid back by insurance, and made some wonderful contacts for my practice. My practice is now doing better than it ever has, with a comfortable schedule.  I am extremely blessed with how well this practice has taken off.  But that is not all I wanted to talk about.  I wanted to talk about change, persistence, hope, and pillows.  That's right, pillows.  My wife gave me a wonderful ergonomic memory foam pillow.  I so much more relaxed.  I am also a lot more comfortable sleeping than I used to.  Now, obviously it is not just the pillow that helps me relax.  It is everything I mentioned: change, persistence, hope, and the pillow.  My life has changed so much in the past year, but all for the better.  I had to have persistence to get here, where I felt led to be, and I had to have hope to feed and maintain my persistence.  The pillow is just the illustration of all that for me.  I was not happy with my old pillow, any of them.  I kept trying to find a new one, never settling.  And, as weird as this sounds, I hoped for it for Christmas...  It is new.  It is different.  I had to get used to it, because of the different shape.  This all sounds stupid, I know.  But I pray you can relate this to your life.  If you're not happy with what you have, and you feel that there is better, do your research, find a way to make it happen.  Don't be afraid to ask for help, and be persistent until you get what you need/want.   Persistence is important, because sometimes you have to wait for what you want.  Don't be discouraged.  If there is a change you want to make, let's work on it together.  You can have that new job, better relationship, more comfort or relaxation.  If I can help with support, prayer, ideas, etc..  please, let me know.

Completion - A Quick Note

I recently had the blessing of helping a person finish a program that will help them improve not only their-own life, but their spouse's as well.  It was a wonderful feeling to know that this marked a new phase of life, a new opportunity, a new era.  This may sound corny, I'm cool with that.  We all have phases in life, chapters that we use to mark the start and stop to stages.  This was one of those stages.

Think back with me.  Most of you reading will remember moments growing up, when you realized that there was going to be more expectation, more responsibility.  Even if you don't remember, I'm sure your parents and teachers do remember.  School is based on this concept of stages.  Different grades teach different levels of information.  When you complete certain grades, you have graduation to the next level.  Kindergarten graduates to 1st grade, high school graduates to either college or the workforce.  Cub Scouts graduate to Boy Scouts, and military recruits graduate to active duty.  There are a lot more "graduations" that we sometimes take for granted.  As a man, I know men can sometimes miss opportunities to celebrate ourselves and others into new chapters.  As parents, teachers, counselors, mentors, deacons, etc, we must be intentional in helping to usher younger men (and women) into their new phase of life.

I remember a lot time ago, I was part of a men's group that watched the video series for Men's Fraternity.  I remember thinking that I needed to be more intentional with my son.  With that in mind, I set up a plan to help my son celebrate each stage in his life.  I wanted him to know that he was growing to be a baby to a child, from a child to a young man, and from a young man to a man.  I remember the look on his face when he got his first BB gun and first knife.  He was so proud of himself, as were my wife and I.

Celebrations are fun, but there are deeper reasons for setting steps.  Completion of a goal, task, or phase gives a feeling of accomplishment.  This can translate into a feeling of pride, energizing and preparing the person for the next step.  Stress that has accumulated is (typically) released when the task is completed.  The best reason for setting up steps for completion, is setting up the person for success.  Short term goals help reach longer term goals.  You can't drive all the way across the country without knowing the different individual roads you need to drive toward.  Each road is a step to let you know you are on the right path.

This is not gender specific.  There is a need for men and women to offer guidance and support by giving direction, steps, even expectations.  It is never too late to celebrate with those to whom you give guidance.  Please feel free to share how you help celebrate stages of life.

It's not what you know, but who you know.

The title makes an important point.  Education and knowledge is important, I am definitely not debating that point.  In fact, the reason support and connections is important is to fill in those gaps of knowledge.  I can tell you honestly that I would not be where I am today without the help and support from different people I have met.  Family has obviously been with me the longest, but friends have been just as important.

Many of you reading this will probably be saying, "I know this already".  It all sounds good, like something you would see in a greeting card, but let's look deeper than the cliche "no man is an island".

I am trained in the field of counseling.  There is no business education included in that degree.  I was told the importance of "selling" myself and networking, but there was little practical information given on how to do that.  I had to rely on my real life experience and people I met along the way to teach me what I needed to learn on the business side.  I tell you this to illustrate how open and humble I had to become in order to ask for help.  I didn't want to ask, at first.  I wondered how it would come across. Like many others, I found myself having thoughts that perpetuated the problem.

1.       I felt helpless

2.       I felt hopeless

Helplessness is the feeling that you are alone.  No one is able or willing to help.  No one understands.  This is one of the biggest lies we believe.  This causes isolation, sometimes emotionally, sometimes physically.  In session, when the subject of support comes up, I am often told that no one understands or cares.  I will tell you that I have been through this feeling myself.  It's a terrible feeling to feel alone, weak, and unimportant.  But as I said before, this feeling is a lie.  We tell ourselves this because it seems easier than chancing someone else telling us.  There are people that don't understand.  That is okay.  There are people that don't care.  That is okay, too.  But don't let yourself think that NO ONE understands or cares.  Give people a chance and search out the support that is so vital to progress.

Hopelessness is the second condition that we get into that exacerbates the problem.  Hopelessness is the feeling that nothing will change, no matter what happens.  This feeling intensifies when accompanied by helplessness.  It can also worsen with time.

Yes, I am saying not all wounds heal with time.

Hopelessness also makes us want to isolate ourselves, because if something won't change, why talk about it.  Both of these thoughts keep us from addressing the problem and asking for help.  This is why connections are important.  Sometimes, it takes someone challenging these thoughts, in order to help break through and move forward.

 I'll never forget when I first told my wife that I wanted to go into private practice.   She said, "are you sure you can do that".  She went on to remind me that I had been trained in counseling, but not in business.  That is when I began seeking out the connections that I would need.  Fast forward to the present.  I have learned a lot about business, and from friends that I can still contact if/when I need more advice or support.

This is the take away point:

These relationships didn't just happen.  I talked to several people before making the current connections that I now value so much.  I had to break through the slump of talking to people that didn't understand or didn't care.  I didn't give up.  I now encourage you to do the same.  If you have something in your life that your having difficulty dealing with, search out the help you need.  Don't believe that everyone is the same, that no one cares or understands.  If I can help, let me know, even if it is just prayer.

Thank you for reading.