Family Dynamics in Divorce

I have come to a place in my practice where I work with a lot of custody cases.  I work with the children through the instability and uncertainty typically associated with custody disputes.  What I have witnessed is that some parents forget that children still love and want a relationship with the other parent.  Too many children feel pulled in the middle of these disputes, like they have to choose a side.  This is not what family is supposed to be.  At no time in Scripture are children told to only honor one parent, but not the other.

When one parent talks about the other parent in front of the child, seeds of hate and resentment are planted that could potentially grow into the child's personality and actions.  There are some parents that mean no ill-will toward the ex-spouse, and want their child to have a better relationship with the other parent, but negative comments still get in the way.  

The magic word here is "boundaries".  Boundaries are the walls we put up in our mind to keep our mess from spilling over to other people.  Boundaries are what allow people continue working their job despite having stress at home.  Boundaries are what allow us to get along with people, even if we don't fully agree with their views or beliefs.  And boundaries are what teach children how they can love imperfect people.

Parents need to understand that having boundaries does not mean to lie, avoid, or minimize problems.  Lying, avoiding, and minimizing are never appropriate.  Boundaries are for not allowing your mess about someone to spill over onto others that are not/were not directly involved.  To put it in terms of a marriage, you and your spouse not getting along does not automatically mean that the child was mistreated or that the other person is unfit.

I get told all kinds of things about what a person did or how they used to act, rationalizations on how or why a parent understands and "can't blame" the kid for acting a certain way.  Parents try to convince me how bad the other parent is and how the other parent does not deserve a positive relationship with their child.  This is not a question of what a person "deserves".  This is a question of what parents want to teach their children.

For some reason, it is more difficult to hold children accountable when it comes to the ex-spouse. Parents usually tell me that they want their children to show respect to others, act "right", and be an "outstanding" person.  In the context of the ex-spouse, there seems to be more uncertainty or hesitation.  It is a regular occurrence for the parent to stammer and stutter when answering, holding back because of their own view of the other parent.

To wrap this up, and to put it plainly, this treatment and influence on children is wrong.  If there is a case of a child being mistreated, this needs to be handled quickly and appropriately.  Otherwise, expectations for a child's behavior should not change based on who you feel a person is or what they did to you.  Disrespect and spite would never be considered appropriate reactions in any other venue, and should not be considered appropriate for a parent.  My advice is to raise your children to respect both parents.  Teach them that they can love imperfect people.  This allows them to have their own experiences and draw their own conclusions about people.  They will learn how to better interact with this imperfect world.  Who knows, one day, you may receive the very grace and mercy that you taught them.

My disclaimer:  This blog is not meant to point blame at anyone, but to give a bird's eye view of a very common problem.  It is meant to encourage deeper insight and perspective on how a parent's behavior as an adult influences the child's behavior of other people.  A child's welfare and development should always be a primary focus.  As always, if this is something that you feel is an issue in your life, give us a call and see if we can schedule time to see what we can do.

Semi random thoughts about coming to see me.

During a session recently, I was told that I was "weird".  Through the smiles and laughter, I was told that I was fun and different than what they thought a counselor would be like.  When asked what this person expected, they said they thought I'd be an old guy, with a suit, no smile, and overly serious.  I got so much information out of that session, and the person told their parent that they wanted to come back and talk again.  

I'll be honest.  I always thought I'd focus on adults when I went back to school to be a counselor.  After 3 different jobs that focused my attention on children and adolescents, I have to say that I now feel a little differently.  I now love talking with children and teenagers to see what they want and how they plan to get it.  We brainstorm, often over an activity, to see what options they have and how to get their parents on board.  Sometimes, the focus is getting the parents and children on the same page.  Other times, it is working with the parents, to help them know how to interact and communicate with their children more effectively.  

Adults get the same treatment.  I talk with people.  I let them teach me their life and perspective.  I let them describe what they see, think, and feel.  Even when I am not in my office, I have people that tell me about their lives.  Everybody has a story to tell.  

Telling your story is one of the first steps.  I would dare say that you have to set up the context of the situation first, before you know what you can/want to change.  After that, it is a matter of working out specific steps to reach those goals and the "traps" that can stop you.  As a third party observer, I can help you see what helps or hinders your pursuit of your goals.  

The technical side of getting together is pretty cool, I think.  I set people up by phone, but you can also go the the tab on my website that says "schedule an appointment".  This will take you to a secure site with a calendar.  You sign in, decide the day and whether you want an a.m or p.m. appointment,  My site will then notify me that you want a meeting.  

When you first enter my office, you are greeted by a wonderful front desk staff that ask you if you want anything to drink.  Several people have stated how relaxing it is to have a warm drink (coffee, latte, tea, hot chocolate) while they talk.  For me, it seems to ease the tension and "starch" feeling that medical type offices often have.  

You never really know what your missing until you visit.  Come by and see me.  I would love to talk with you.  

It's not what you know, but who you know.

The title makes an important point.  Education and knowledge is important, I am definitely not debating that point.  In fact, the reason support and connections is important is to fill in those gaps of knowledge.  I can tell you honestly that I would not be where I am today without the help and support from different people I have met.  Family has obviously been with me the longest, but friends have been just as important.

Many of you reading this will probably be saying, "I know this already".  It all sounds good, like something you would see in a greeting card, but let's look deeper than the cliche "no man is an island".

I am trained in the field of counseling.  There is no business education included in that degree.  I was told the importance of "selling" myself and networking, but there was little practical information given on how to do that.  I had to rely on my real life experience and people I met along the way to teach me what I needed to learn on the business side.  I tell you this to illustrate how open and humble I had to become in order to ask for help.  I didn't want to ask, at first.  I wondered how it would come across. Like many others, I found myself having thoughts that perpetuated the problem.

1.       I felt helpless

2.       I felt hopeless

Helplessness is the feeling that you are alone.  No one is able or willing to help.  No one understands.  This is one of the biggest lies we believe.  This causes isolation, sometimes emotionally, sometimes physically.  In session, when the subject of support comes up, I am often told that no one understands or cares.  I will tell you that I have been through this feeling myself.  It's a terrible feeling to feel alone, weak, and unimportant.  But as I said before, this feeling is a lie.  We tell ourselves this because it seems easier than chancing someone else telling us.  There are people that don't understand.  That is okay.  There are people that don't care.  That is okay, too.  But don't let yourself think that NO ONE understands or cares.  Give people a chance and search out the support that is so vital to progress.

Hopelessness is the second condition that we get into that exacerbates the problem.  Hopelessness is the feeling that nothing will change, no matter what happens.  This feeling intensifies when accompanied by helplessness.  It can also worsen with time.

Yes, I am saying not all wounds heal with time.

Hopelessness also makes us want to isolate ourselves, because if something won't change, why talk about it.  Both of these thoughts keep us from addressing the problem and asking for help.  This is why connections are important.  Sometimes, it takes someone challenging these thoughts, in order to help break through and move forward.

 I'll never forget when I first told my wife that I wanted to go into private practice.   She said, "are you sure you can do that".  She went on to remind me that I had been trained in counseling, but not in business.  That is when I began seeking out the connections that I would need.  Fast forward to the present.  I have learned a lot about business, and from friends that I can still contact if/when I need more advice or support.

This is the take away point:

These relationships didn't just happen.  I talked to several people before making the current connections that I now value so much.  I had to break through the slump of talking to people that didn't understand or didn't care.  I didn't give up.  I now encourage you to do the same.  If you have something in your life that your having difficulty dealing with, search out the help you need.  Don't believe that everyone is the same, that no one cares or understands.  If I can help, let me know, even if it is just prayer.

Thank you for reading.

A New Phase of Life

I have not posted in a couple weeks due to a lot of professional changes happening in my life.  For those reading that don't know, I have left the group of counselors that I was originally associated with, and opened my own office.  This has been an adventure in itself, as I had to find an office, furniture, business permit, software, new business cards, develop forms and documents, and all as quickly as possible.  I ended up leasing an office with Regus.  This is an organization that leases small office spaces to growing businesses.  They offer a lot of amenities, such as front desk staff, kitchen with drinks for guests, waiting room, conference rooms, telephone and internet service, basic office furniture, and all affordable.  to be honest, I do plan on moving to a bigger office when I get a little more settled, but I had to take what I could afford.  Pictured is the current set up.

With everything offered in the lease, I had to purchase the black chairs to make sure my guests had a place to sit...  Business Furniture Solutions cut me a great deal and were wonderful and professional.  Before I "moved in", my 2 oldest kids joined me in the office.

 Pictured to the left is my oldest.  He wanted a picture like he was working.  The picture on the right is my daughter giving me "space saving" ideas...  I have to say, I am happy with my office.  The front desk staff are wonderful and the professionals on either side of my office seem friendly and quiet.

So, let me tell you how this works, in case you come see me.  When you arrive, the front desk staff offer you a drink (water, coffee, tea, cappuccino, espresso, etc) and call my desk to let me know I have a guest.  They will either walk you to my office, the waiting room to watch tv until I come get you, let you sit in the kitchenette, or let you stay at the desk for me to walk you back.  I am very impressed with Regus so far.

Along with the new office, I have also continued conducting seminars.  This past Tuesday, I spoke at the Better Breather Club, hosted by the American Lung Association in Mississippi.  This was the first public/professional opportunity I have had to introduce myself as Toby with Tobias Counseling.  I only wish I had been able to have the business cards in time...

The topic of this month's group was dealing with anxiety, stress and fear associated with chronic medical conditions, such as lung disease.  It was great. There were a lot of wonderful discussions, as different members shared their experiences as well as what gave them hope.  I must admit that I was inspired by the people I met in this group.  There was definitely an atmosphere of love and support.

Along with the office and seminar, I have also been working a lot on developing the needed paperwork for my new office.  I will tell you more about that in a different post.  All I will say for now is, "I have talked to my lawyer everyday for the past week, regarding everything from terms of my lease, to paperwork, to insurance, and have not been charged for a single conversation"....  ask me how.

Before I close, I want to take a minute to thank the Counselors at Crossroads Counseling Center.  They are a great group of counselors with hearts for helping hurting people find joy and comfort.

Hurting others

I would love to be able to say that this post was a topic that came to me randomly and I just wanted to talk about it.  That is not how it happened.  This topic is on my mind because I made a mistake and hurt someone's trust in me.  It happens, right?  But, for those that know me, it is not that easy for me to accept.  It is not enough to generalize or minimize the pain by saying that "everyone makes mistakes", or "everyone causes pain in others, at times".  

In my work as a parent and as a counselor, heck, as a human being, I have to accept that I am not perfect.  I have to realize that I had the best intentions and hope that, in the long run, God can do a Great Work through my mess-up.  That is the Truth that I have to continuously tell myself.  But, once again, that is not good enough for me.  I can't take a back-seat and say, "Well, I messed up.  God will have to fix it".  I don't believe it works that way.  

When I mess up as a parent, I take steps to make it a learning experience for me and my children.  I let my children know my mistake and ask for their forgiveness.  When I yell without reason, I admit that to them and ask for their forgiveness.  I have to take what steps I can to fix my mistake.  It is, after all, my mistake, my responsibility.  

So, how can I use this as a learning experience?  First off, acknowledging the mistake is important. Proverbs 28:13 says:

Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper,

    but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy

Now, I am not a theologian, but I do take this to mean a person needs to admit his mistake, ask for forgiveness, and learn how to keep it from happening again.  Compassion and empathy acknowledge that those wronged may be upset and not ready to forgive.  I have to be willing to understand their point of view and accept that they may still be hurting.  

This is the difficult part for me.  I have trouble accepting that there is nothing I can do.  I feel the drive to make IT better, somehow.  I have to accept that those involved need time to process and heal.  

Let's recap real quick.  We have:

• admit the mistake
• understand and acknowledge the pain caused
• ask for forgiveness, and accept their answer

I believe the next step is to offer to fix the problem however is effective and appropriate.  This may sound easy, but pain can make us say and do things we wouldn't usually say or do.  And, especially as the one that caused the pain, we may feel the drive to do anything asked.  There has to be a direct connection to RENOUNCING the behavior. I stress renouncing in order to specify that whatever is asked must help the offended move past the pain.  This point brings up 2 important considerations:

1. Acts of revenge only cause the pain to be transferred and continued.
2. The focus is on the offended, not the offender.

I have to keep the focus on the other person and do what will help them.  I give up my right to “feeling better” when I hurt the other person and acknowledge my mistake.

Are you ready for this to come full circle?  Sometimes, pain is inevitable.  That’s right.  There are times that no matter what we do, if we do what is right, we will end up hurting someone.  There are correct, moral, and proper decisions that still end up hurting others.  I do recognize this as a fact.  Does this truth apply to my current circumstance?  After a lot of self-assessment, no, it does not apply to me.  I definitely made a mistake.  But I can say honestly, “I had good intentions at heart”, and was “trying to do the right thing”.  That is the aspect that keeps resonating with me, I messed up and the other person was affected, despite my intentions. 

It is at this point where a person must accept that there is only so much that can be done after a mistake.  This is where I currently am, I am at a crossroads where I have done everything I can do, for now, but I feel like I need to do more.  I caused pain and cannot change what happened.  I continue to pray for healing for the other person as I also try to accept my mistake.

While this may sound like a ramble, it has helped me process.  Hopefully, it will also help someone else in a similar situation.  Thank you for reading.