Semi random thoughts about coming to see me.

During a session recently, I was told that I was "weird".  Through the smiles and laughter, I was told that I was fun and different than what they thought a counselor would be like.  When asked what this person expected, they said they thought I'd be an old guy, with a suit, no smile, and overly serious.  I got so much information out of that session, and the person told their parent that they wanted to come back and talk again.  

I'll be honest.  I always thought I'd focus on adults when I went back to school to be a counselor.  After 3 different jobs that focused my attention on children and adolescents, I have to say that I now feel a little differently.  I now love talking with children and teenagers to see what they want and how they plan to get it.  We brainstorm, often over an activity, to see what options they have and how to get their parents on board.  Sometimes, the focus is getting the parents and children on the same page.  Other times, it is working with the parents, to help them know how to interact and communicate with their children more effectively.  

Adults get the same treatment.  I talk with people.  I let them teach me their life and perspective.  I let them describe what they see, think, and feel.  Even when I am not in my office, I have people that tell me about their lives.  Everybody has a story to tell.  

Telling your story is one of the first steps.  I would dare say that you have to set up the context of the situation first, before you know what you can/want to change.  After that, it is a matter of working out specific steps to reach those goals and the "traps" that can stop you.  As a third party observer, I can help you see what helps or hinders your pursuit of your goals.  

The technical side of getting together is pretty cool, I think.  I set people up by phone, but you can also go the the tab on my website that says "schedule an appointment".  This will take you to a secure site with a calendar.  You sign in, decide the day and whether you want an a.m or p.m. appointment,  My site will then notify me that you want a meeting.  

When you first enter my office, you are greeted by a wonderful front desk staff that ask you if you want anything to drink.  Several people have stated how relaxing it is to have a warm drink (coffee, latte, tea, hot chocolate) while they talk.  For me, it seems to ease the tension and "starch" feeling that medical type offices often have.  

You never really know what your missing until you visit.  Come by and see me.  I would love to talk with you.  

Completion - A Quick Note

I recently had the blessing of helping a person finish a program that will help them improve not only their-own life, but their spouse's as well.  It was a wonderful feeling to know that this marked a new phase of life, a new opportunity, a new era.  This may sound corny, I'm cool with that.  We all have phases in life, chapters that we use to mark the start and stop to stages.  This was one of those stages.

Think back with me.  Most of you reading will remember moments growing up, when you realized that there was going to be more expectation, more responsibility.  Even if you don't remember, I'm sure your parents and teachers do remember.  School is based on this concept of stages.  Different grades teach different levels of information.  When you complete certain grades, you have graduation to the next level.  Kindergarten graduates to 1st grade, high school graduates to either college or the workforce.  Cub Scouts graduate to Boy Scouts, and military recruits graduate to active duty.  There are a lot more "graduations" that we sometimes take for granted.  As a man, I know men can sometimes miss opportunities to celebrate ourselves and others into new chapters.  As parents, teachers, counselors, mentors, deacons, etc, we must be intentional in helping to usher younger men (and women) into their new phase of life.

I remember a lot time ago, I was part of a men's group that watched the video series for Men's Fraternity.  I remember thinking that I needed to be more intentional with my son.  With that in mind, I set up a plan to help my son celebrate each stage in his life.  I wanted him to know that he was growing to be a baby to a child, from a child to a young man, and from a young man to a man.  I remember the look on his face when he got his first BB gun and first knife.  He was so proud of himself, as were my wife and I.

Celebrations are fun, but there are deeper reasons for setting steps.  Completion of a goal, task, or phase gives a feeling of accomplishment.  This can translate into a feeling of pride, energizing and preparing the person for the next step.  Stress that has accumulated is (typically) released when the task is completed.  The best reason for setting up steps for completion, is setting up the person for success.  Short term goals help reach longer term goals.  You can't drive all the way across the country without knowing the different individual roads you need to drive toward.  Each road is a step to let you know you are on the right path.

This is not gender specific.  There is a need for men and women to offer guidance and support by giving direction, steps, even expectations.  It is never too late to celebrate with those to whom you give guidance.  Please feel free to share how you help celebrate stages of life.

It's not what you know, but who you know.

The title makes an important point.  Education and knowledge is important, I am definitely not debating that point.  In fact, the reason support and connections is important is to fill in those gaps of knowledge.  I can tell you honestly that I would not be where I am today without the help and support from different people I have met.  Family has obviously been with me the longest, but friends have been just as important.

Many of you reading this will probably be saying, "I know this already".  It all sounds good, like something you would see in a greeting card, but let's look deeper than the cliche "no man is an island".

I am trained in the field of counseling.  There is no business education included in that degree.  I was told the importance of "selling" myself and networking, but there was little practical information given on how to do that.  I had to rely on my real life experience and people I met along the way to teach me what I needed to learn on the business side.  I tell you this to illustrate how open and humble I had to become in order to ask for help.  I didn't want to ask, at first.  I wondered how it would come across. Like many others, I found myself having thoughts that perpetuated the problem.

1.       I felt helpless

2.       I felt hopeless

Helplessness is the feeling that you are alone.  No one is able or willing to help.  No one understands.  This is one of the biggest lies we believe.  This causes isolation, sometimes emotionally, sometimes physically.  In session, when the subject of support comes up, I am often told that no one understands or cares.  I will tell you that I have been through this feeling myself.  It's a terrible feeling to feel alone, weak, and unimportant.  But as I said before, this feeling is a lie.  We tell ourselves this because it seems easier than chancing someone else telling us.  There are people that don't understand.  That is okay.  There are people that don't care.  That is okay, too.  But don't let yourself think that NO ONE understands or cares.  Give people a chance and search out the support that is so vital to progress.

Hopelessness is the second condition that we get into that exacerbates the problem.  Hopelessness is the feeling that nothing will change, no matter what happens.  This feeling intensifies when accompanied by helplessness.  It can also worsen with time.

Yes, I am saying not all wounds heal with time.

Hopelessness also makes us want to isolate ourselves, because if something won't change, why talk about it.  Both of these thoughts keep us from addressing the problem and asking for help.  This is why connections are important.  Sometimes, it takes someone challenging these thoughts, in order to help break through and move forward.

 I'll never forget when I first told my wife that I wanted to go into private practice.   She said, "are you sure you can do that".  She went on to remind me that I had been trained in counseling, but not in business.  That is when I began seeking out the connections that I would need.  Fast forward to the present.  I have learned a lot about business, and from friends that I can still contact if/when I need more advice or support.

This is the take away point:

These relationships didn't just happen.  I talked to several people before making the current connections that I now value so much.  I had to break through the slump of talking to people that didn't understand or didn't care.  I didn't give up.  I now encourage you to do the same.  If you have something in your life that your having difficulty dealing with, search out the help you need.  Don't believe that everyone is the same, that no one cares or understands.  If I can help, let me know, even if it is just prayer.

Thank you for reading.

A New Phase of Life

I have not posted in a couple weeks due to a lot of professional changes happening in my life.  For those reading that don't know, I have left the group of counselors that I was originally associated with, and opened my own office.  This has been an adventure in itself, as I had to find an office, furniture, business permit, software, new business cards, develop forms and documents, and all as quickly as possible.  I ended up leasing an office with Regus.  This is an organization that leases small office spaces to growing businesses.  They offer a lot of amenities, such as front desk staff, kitchen with drinks for guests, waiting room, conference rooms, telephone and internet service, basic office furniture, and all affordable.  to be honest, I do plan on moving to a bigger office when I get a little more settled, but I had to take what I could afford.  Pictured is the current set up.

With everything offered in the lease, I had to purchase the black chairs to make sure my guests had a place to sit...  Business Furniture Solutions cut me a great deal and were wonderful and professional.  Before I "moved in", my 2 oldest kids joined me in the office.

 Pictured to the left is my oldest.  He wanted a picture like he was working.  The picture on the right is my daughter giving me "space saving" ideas...  I have to say, I am happy with my office.  The front desk staff are wonderful and the professionals on either side of my office seem friendly and quiet.

So, let me tell you how this works, in case you come see me.  When you arrive, the front desk staff offer you a drink (water, coffee, tea, cappuccino, espresso, etc) and call my desk to let me know I have a guest.  They will either walk you to my office, the waiting room to watch tv until I come get you, let you sit in the kitchenette, or let you stay at the desk for me to walk you back.  I am very impressed with Regus so far.

Along with the new office, I have also continued conducting seminars.  This past Tuesday, I spoke at the Better Breather Club, hosted by the American Lung Association in Mississippi.  This was the first public/professional opportunity I have had to introduce myself as Toby with Tobias Counseling.  I only wish I had been able to have the business cards in time...

The topic of this month's group was dealing with anxiety, stress and fear associated with chronic medical conditions, such as lung disease.  It was great. There were a lot of wonderful discussions, as different members shared their experiences as well as what gave them hope.  I must admit that I was inspired by the people I met in this group.  There was definitely an atmosphere of love and support.

Along with the office and seminar, I have also been working a lot on developing the needed paperwork for my new office.  I will tell you more about that in a different post.  All I will say for now is, "I have talked to my lawyer everyday for the past week, regarding everything from terms of my lease, to paperwork, to insurance, and have not been charged for a single conversation"....  ask me how.

Before I close, I want to take a minute to thank the Counselors at Crossroads Counseling Center.  They are a great group of counselors with hearts for helping hurting people find joy and comfort.