We can't always get it right, but we should try.

I knew from the start that having children was not going to be easy.  I knew that I would mess them up somehow.  I knew that I was not perfect and that I was going to make mistakes.  We should all know this when we consider becoming parents.

What made me think about this recently was an article about creating a positive work ethic in children.  The article discussed the importance of starting at a young age, giving children age appropriate chores around the house.  The benefits, in short, were listed out as children getting used to a more positive and interactive routine, not being as "fussy" when things don't go their way, learning to work hard at whatever they do.

I began to consider the chores that I routinely give my own children...  This is even shorter.  I don't.  I fall short when it comes to anything ROUTINE at my house because...  well....  I am not used to it...  I want to say that mine and my wife's jobs have us getting home late, and with homework, dinner, etc.  that we don't have time.  I hate excuses.  especially my own...

So, the question arises, what to do about this new found sense of "failure" (lack of a better word)?

When I first read the article, I began thinking about how we typically just go on autopilot during the week and don't intentionally focus on anything other than necessities.  That is the keyword "intentionally".  No child can be expected to do anything intentionally that he/she was not taught or shown intentionally.  

I have seen parents act powerless when their children did not complete chores, when the children had been raised with the unintentional option to not complete the chores.  

(while this is a different issue, I will come back to this at the end!)  

Children need to be raised with the knowledge that chores are a part of life and are a necessity to maintaining a household and growing into a mature adult.  If your children do not have chores in their life, they may be learning that they get to decide what and when they get to do things, and that they don't have to focus on remembering anything.  Yes, this may help with remembering homework also.  

Keep in mind:  This is not a conversation you can have and your children learn work ethic.  Work ethic has to be learned by doing.

If you are one of those parents struggling with getting your children to complete chores, give us a call.  We can help.  

If you are one of the parents, like me, that realized that your children need regular chores in the first place, we can help with that also.

There is a lot on my mind right now.

I am currently sitting in my hotel room in Delaware, reviewing the past 5 days of training that I have received in Parental Alienation and Estrangement.  I have listened to lecture, discussed scenarios, role-played, and asked any question that I could think of in an effort to get the most out of this training.  The training has been 7 to 8 hours each day.  I could go into all the new information that I've learned, but there is something else on my mind right now, the people.  I met some great people this week from California, Texas, New York, New Jersey, and Delaware (obviously).  I had a great time getting to know everyone.  

One of the most memorable activities was watching the videos of Salvador Minuchin council with families and consult with the therapists under his supervision.  To hear Linda Gottlieb talk about her mentor was extremely touching.  

If you had asked me before this week, I would have told you that I didn't have anyone I wanted to meet, I didn't have a "hero" per se.  After this training, I would have to say not only Salvador Minuchin, but also Linda Gottlieb.  I did not get to pick her brain too much this week, but hearing about everything that she has done with her program and how she works with families was impressive and made me want to know more.  I have benefited so much from Linda's instruction.

If you know me personally, you know that I am a very nostalgic person.  I hate when memorable events end.  I have to admit how sad I am that this is all over.  I miss my wife and kids, I have missed them every night this past week.  I can't wait to see them tomorrow evening.  That not withstanding, I am going to look back on this with much more than a memory of training, but relationship building and a sense of comradery.  I honestly hope that I get to keep in touch with everyone and come back someday for a "refresher".  

Thank you, Linda, for staying in touch and inviting me to this training.  To everyone else reading this, I hope this encourages you to take that "extra step" and experience something new, get out of your comfort zone.  Let me know if I can help.

New Beginnings

It has been a long time since I wrote something.  This post seems a little late, a week in to January, but life has been incredible.  In a way, this is "one of those" posts about the New Year and all, but it also about all the changes that have happened despite the time of year.  Since my last post, I have taken a part time job, moved to a bigger office (same area), upgraded to a new logo, new website, finally started getting paid back by insurance, and made some wonderful contacts for my practice. My practice is now doing better than it ever has, with a comfortable schedule.  I am extremely blessed with how well this practice has taken off.  But that is not all I wanted to talk about.  I wanted to talk about change, persistence, hope, and pillows.  That's right, pillows.  My wife gave me a wonderful ergonomic memory foam pillow.  I so much more relaxed.  I am also a lot more comfortable sleeping than I used to.  Now, obviously it is not just the pillow that helps me relax.  It is everything I mentioned: change, persistence, hope, and the pillow.  My life has changed so much in the past year, but all for the better.  I had to have persistence to get here, where I felt led to be, and I had to have hope to feed and maintain my persistence.  The pillow is just the illustration of all that for me.  I was not happy with my old pillow, any of them.  I kept trying to find a new one, never settling.  And, as weird as this sounds, I hoped for it for Christmas...  It is new.  It is different.  I had to get used to it, because of the different shape.  This all sounds stupid, I know.  But I pray you can relate this to your life.  If you're not happy with what you have, and you feel that there is better, do your research, find a way to make it happen.  Don't be afraid to ask for help, and be persistent until you get what you need/want.   Persistence is important, because sometimes you have to wait for what you want.  Don't be discouraged.  If there is a change you want to make, let's work on it together.  You can have that new job, better relationship, more comfort or relaxation.  If I can help with support, prayer, ideas, etc..  please, let me know.

Vacation is over and I have 2 take home points.

My family and I have been home from our vacation in Myrtle Beach, SC for 2 weeks now.  After a week at the beach, we stopped off in North Carolina to see some good friends for the night before returning home.  Having been to Myrtle Beach before, we didn't feel rushed to "see the sites and spent a lot of time swimming in the pool and hanging out at the cabin.

This is a picture of where we stayed...  13 people under 1 roof...

We all had a great time and the location is beautiful.

 

Looking back over that week, there are a couple main points that I realized are important.  First, it's important to allow yourself to relax, no matter how much you do or do not feel you "deserve" it.  Second, you should keep in touch with family, don't let comments or distance come between you.
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I didn't feel like I deserved a vacation at the first of the week.  I had spent the past month setting up my new office and had not seen a lot of people.  My thought was "why do I need a vacation, I haven't done any work".  At the time, I wasn't thinking about the work that it took to set up the office.  I was only looking at face-to-face time.  I initially went to help watch the kids and allow my wife to relax, I knew I couldn't stay at home and make her take the kids on that 12 hour car ride by herself.  I soon realized how much time and energy I had spent planning for the business, making calls, driving to meetings, etc.  That is where my need for vacation came from, I was mentally and emotionally exhausted.  I didn't want to admit it, but my wife soon convinced me that I needed the vacation as much as she needed a vacation.

The take home point to this is "vacation is as much a mental and emotional break as it is a physical break".  I was able to put my phone down and not worry about checking it, not worry about making calls or marketing.  To be honest, it was the first vacation in many years that I did not, at least in some part, think about work or what I had waiting for me when I got back.  This is what a vacation should be - the absolute separation from an average day.

The second point is family related.  Keep in touch with family.  I have 2 brothers, I do not believe they would mind me saying so, but as most siblings, there were times we did not get along.  Life is different now,  Obviously, we no longer live under the same roof.  They both live in South Carolina, while I live in Mississippi.  There are not a lot of opportunities to get together.  I must admit, I don't call as often as I could, and am sometimes late calling for birthdays...  Sorry, Tim.  But as most will agree, life gets in the way.  That is not an excuse, it is a fact.  A person has to be intentional in any type of relationship, especially when there is a lot of distance between the 2 people.  Plan it, put it in your calendar, do something to help you remember and prioritize time to talk and/or get together.  Trust me, there are a lot of people that would love to be able to talk to loved ones, but don't have the ability or opportunity.  This was evident to me over vacation because there were a lot of conversations about "catching up" on what all had been going on in each family's lives.  I realized how much I had been missing in my brothers' lives and in their family's lives.  Don't make that mistake...

Now, as I stated, my brothers and I did not always get along.  That is not what has come between us though, it is the distance.  But, I do know some families that live close, but still don't talk because of some comments that were made.  For those reading that have come to see me, you will remember that I talk about intent vs. impact, and filters.  Basically, we all have "filters" that influence how we act.  We have to make sure that our intended meaning has the impact that we want it to have.  "But you don't know this person", you might be saying.  That's right, I probably don't.  There are people that are not very nice and you do better not to talk to them, but that is where the family boundaries should be developed.  The boundaries make it possible to have a relationship.  The boundaries make it possible to have a relationship without the negative effects.  Yes, there are exceptions and I will be glad to discuss them if you have a difficult friend or family member.  Give me a call...

Don't lose touch with family over something that can be remedied like hurt feelings or long distance.
    

A New Phase of Life

I have not posted in a couple weeks due to a lot of professional changes happening in my life.  For those reading that don't know, I have left the group of counselors that I was originally associated with, and opened my own office.  This has been an adventure in itself, as I had to find an office, furniture, business permit, software, new business cards, develop forms and documents, and all as quickly as possible.  I ended up leasing an office with Regus.  This is an organization that leases small office spaces to growing businesses.  They offer a lot of amenities, such as front desk staff, kitchen with drinks for guests, waiting room, conference rooms, telephone and internet service, basic office furniture, and all affordable.  to be honest, I do plan on moving to a bigger office when I get a little more settled, but I had to take what I could afford.  Pictured is the current set up.

With everything offered in the lease, I had to purchase the black chairs to make sure my guests had a place to sit...  Business Furniture Solutions cut me a great deal and were wonderful and professional.  Before I "moved in", my 2 oldest kids joined me in the office.

 Pictured to the left is my oldest.  He wanted a picture like he was working.  The picture on the right is my daughter giving me "space saving" ideas...  I have to say, I am happy with my office.  The front desk staff are wonderful and the professionals on either side of my office seem friendly and quiet.

So, let me tell you how this works, in case you come see me.  When you arrive, the front desk staff offer you a drink (water, coffee, tea, cappuccino, espresso, etc) and call my desk to let me know I have a guest.  They will either walk you to my office, the waiting room to watch tv until I come get you, let you sit in the kitchenette, or let you stay at the desk for me to walk you back.  I am very impressed with Regus so far.

Along with the new office, I have also continued conducting seminars.  This past Tuesday, I spoke at the Better Breather Club, hosted by the American Lung Association in Mississippi.  This was the first public/professional opportunity I have had to introduce myself as Toby with Tobias Counseling.  I only wish I had been able to have the business cards in time...

The topic of this month's group was dealing with anxiety, stress and fear associated with chronic medical conditions, such as lung disease.  It was great. There were a lot of wonderful discussions, as different members shared their experiences as well as what gave them hope.  I must admit that I was inspired by the people I met in this group.  There was definitely an atmosphere of love and support.

Along with the office and seminar, I have also been working a lot on developing the needed paperwork for my new office.  I will tell you more about that in a different post.  All I will say for now is, "I have talked to my lawyer everyday for the past week, regarding everything from terms of my lease, to paperwork, to insurance, and have not been charged for a single conversation"....  ask me how.

Before I close, I want to take a minute to thank the Counselors at Crossroads Counseling Center.  They are a great group of counselors with hearts for helping hurting people find joy and comfort.