Vacation is over and I have 2 take home points.

My family and I have been home from our vacation in Myrtle Beach, SC for 2 weeks now.  After a week at the beach, we stopped off in North Carolina to see some good friends for the night before returning home.  Having been to Myrtle Beach before, we didn't feel rushed to "see the sites and spent a lot of time swimming in the pool and hanging out at the cabin.

This is a picture of where we stayed...  13 people under 1 roof...

We all had a great time and the location is beautiful.

 

Looking back over that week, there are a couple main points that I realized are important.  First, it's important to allow yourself to relax, no matter how much you do or do not feel you "deserve" it.  Second, you should keep in touch with family, don't let comments or distance come between you.
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I didn't feel like I deserved a vacation at the first of the week.  I had spent the past month setting up my new office and had not seen a lot of people.  My thought was "why do I need a vacation, I haven't done any work".  At the time, I wasn't thinking about the work that it took to set up the office.  I was only looking at face-to-face time.  I initially went to help watch the kids and allow my wife to relax, I knew I couldn't stay at home and make her take the kids on that 12 hour car ride by herself.  I soon realized how much time and energy I had spent planning for the business, making calls, driving to meetings, etc.  That is where my need for vacation came from, I was mentally and emotionally exhausted.  I didn't want to admit it, but my wife soon convinced me that I needed the vacation as much as she needed a vacation.

The take home point to this is "vacation is as much a mental and emotional break as it is a physical break".  I was able to put my phone down and not worry about checking it, not worry about making calls or marketing.  To be honest, it was the first vacation in many years that I did not, at least in some part, think about work or what I had waiting for me when I got back.  This is what a vacation should be - the absolute separation from an average day.

The second point is family related.  Keep in touch with family.  I have 2 brothers, I do not believe they would mind me saying so, but as most siblings, there were times we did not get along.  Life is different now,  Obviously, we no longer live under the same roof.  They both live in South Carolina, while I live in Mississippi.  There are not a lot of opportunities to get together.  I must admit, I don't call as often as I could, and am sometimes late calling for birthdays...  Sorry, Tim.  But as most will agree, life gets in the way.  That is not an excuse, it is a fact.  A person has to be intentional in any type of relationship, especially when there is a lot of distance between the 2 people.  Plan it, put it in your calendar, do something to help you remember and prioritize time to talk and/or get together.  Trust me, there are a lot of people that would love to be able to talk to loved ones, but don't have the ability or opportunity.  This was evident to me over vacation because there were a lot of conversations about "catching up" on what all had been going on in each family's lives.  I realized how much I had been missing in my brothers' lives and in their family's lives.  Don't make that mistake...

Now, as I stated, my brothers and I did not always get along.  That is not what has come between us though, it is the distance.  But, I do know some families that live close, but still don't talk because of some comments that were made.  For those reading that have come to see me, you will remember that I talk about intent vs. impact, and filters.  Basically, we all have "filters" that influence how we act.  We have to make sure that our intended meaning has the impact that we want it to have.  "But you don't know this person", you might be saying.  That's right, I probably don't.  There are people that are not very nice and you do better not to talk to them, but that is where the family boundaries should be developed.  The boundaries make it possible to have a relationship.  The boundaries make it possible to have a relationship without the negative effects.  Yes, there are exceptions and I will be glad to discuss them if you have a difficult friend or family member.  Give me a call...

Don't lose touch with family over something that can be remedied like hurt feelings or long distance.
    

A New Phase of Life

I have not posted in a couple weeks due to a lot of professional changes happening in my life.  For those reading that don't know, I have left the group of counselors that I was originally associated with, and opened my own office.  This has been an adventure in itself, as I had to find an office, furniture, business permit, software, new business cards, develop forms and documents, and all as quickly as possible.  I ended up leasing an office with Regus.  This is an organization that leases small office spaces to growing businesses.  They offer a lot of amenities, such as front desk staff, kitchen with drinks for guests, waiting room, conference rooms, telephone and internet service, basic office furniture, and all affordable.  to be honest, I do plan on moving to a bigger office when I get a little more settled, but I had to take what I could afford.  Pictured is the current set up.

With everything offered in the lease, I had to purchase the black chairs to make sure my guests had a place to sit...  Business Furniture Solutions cut me a great deal and were wonderful and professional.  Before I "moved in", my 2 oldest kids joined me in the office.

 Pictured to the left is my oldest.  He wanted a picture like he was working.  The picture on the right is my daughter giving me "space saving" ideas...  I have to say, I am happy with my office.  The front desk staff are wonderful and the professionals on either side of my office seem friendly and quiet.

So, let me tell you how this works, in case you come see me.  When you arrive, the front desk staff offer you a drink (water, coffee, tea, cappuccino, espresso, etc) and call my desk to let me know I have a guest.  They will either walk you to my office, the waiting room to watch tv until I come get you, let you sit in the kitchenette, or let you stay at the desk for me to walk you back.  I am very impressed with Regus so far.

Along with the new office, I have also continued conducting seminars.  This past Tuesday, I spoke at the Better Breather Club, hosted by the American Lung Association in Mississippi.  This was the first public/professional opportunity I have had to introduce myself as Toby with Tobias Counseling.  I only wish I had been able to have the business cards in time...

The topic of this month's group was dealing with anxiety, stress and fear associated with chronic medical conditions, such as lung disease.  It was great. There were a lot of wonderful discussions, as different members shared their experiences as well as what gave them hope.  I must admit that I was inspired by the people I met in this group.  There was definitely an atmosphere of love and support.

Along with the office and seminar, I have also been working a lot on developing the needed paperwork for my new office.  I will tell you more about that in a different post.  All I will say for now is, "I have talked to my lawyer everyday for the past week, regarding everything from terms of my lease, to paperwork, to insurance, and have not been charged for a single conversation"....  ask me how.

Before I close, I want to take a minute to thank the Counselors at Crossroads Counseling Center.  They are a great group of counselors with hearts for helping hurting people find joy and comfort.

Hurting others

I would love to be able to say that this post was a topic that came to me randomly and I just wanted to talk about it.  That is not how it happened.  This topic is on my mind because I made a mistake and hurt someone's trust in me.  It happens, right?  But, for those that know me, it is not that easy for me to accept.  It is not enough to generalize or minimize the pain by saying that "everyone makes mistakes", or "everyone causes pain in others, at times".  

In my work as a parent and as a counselor, heck, as a human being, I have to accept that I am not perfect.  I have to realize that I had the best intentions and hope that, in the long run, God can do a Great Work through my mess-up.  That is the Truth that I have to continuously tell myself.  But, once again, that is not good enough for me.  I can't take a back-seat and say, "Well, I messed up.  God will have to fix it".  I don't believe it works that way.  

When I mess up as a parent, I take steps to make it a learning experience for me and my children.  I let my children know my mistake and ask for their forgiveness.  When I yell without reason, I admit that to them and ask for their forgiveness.  I have to take what steps I can to fix my mistake.  It is, after all, my mistake, my responsibility.  

So, how can I use this as a learning experience?  First off, acknowledging the mistake is important. Proverbs 28:13 says:

Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper,

    but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy

Now, I am not a theologian, but I do take this to mean a person needs to admit his mistake, ask for forgiveness, and learn how to keep it from happening again.  Compassion and empathy acknowledge that those wronged may be upset and not ready to forgive.  I have to be willing to understand their point of view and accept that they may still be hurting.  

This is the difficult part for me.  I have trouble accepting that there is nothing I can do.  I feel the drive to make IT better, somehow.  I have to accept that those involved need time to process and heal.  

Let's recap real quick.  We have:

• admit the mistake
• understand and acknowledge the pain caused
• ask for forgiveness, and accept their answer

I believe the next step is to offer to fix the problem however is effective and appropriate.  This may sound easy, but pain can make us say and do things we wouldn't usually say or do.  And, especially as the one that caused the pain, we may feel the drive to do anything asked.  There has to be a direct connection to RENOUNCING the behavior. I stress renouncing in order to specify that whatever is asked must help the offended move past the pain.  This point brings up 2 important considerations:

1. Acts of revenge only cause the pain to be transferred and continued.
2. The focus is on the offended, not the offender.

I have to keep the focus on the other person and do what will help them.  I give up my right to “feeling better” when I hurt the other person and acknowledge my mistake.

Are you ready for this to come full circle?  Sometimes, pain is inevitable.  That’s right.  There are times that no matter what we do, if we do what is right, we will end up hurting someone.  There are correct, moral, and proper decisions that still end up hurting others.  I do recognize this as a fact.  Does this truth apply to my current circumstance?  After a lot of self-assessment, no, it does not apply to me.  I definitely made a mistake.  But I can say honestly, “I had good intentions at heart”, and was “trying to do the right thing”.  That is the aspect that keeps resonating with me, I messed up and the other person was affected, despite my intentions. 

It is at this point where a person must accept that there is only so much that can be done after a mistake.  This is where I currently am, I am at a crossroads where I have done everything I can do, for now, but I feel like I need to do more.  I caused pain and cannot change what happened.  I continue to pray for healing for the other person as I also try to accept my mistake.

While this may sound like a ramble, it has helped me process.  Hopefully, it will also help someone else in a similar situation.  Thank you for reading.    

My First Post

I guess the best "first post" would be to explain the blog name.  The reasoning behind the name may come as a surprise.  It actually has little to due with me being a counselor.  I'll explain:

When I was younger, I saw a movie (the title escapes me right now).  There was a reoccurring gag of the main character talking into a voice recorder every couple of minutes, "mental note" was followed by an obscure comment that had no relevance or importance to the scene in which it appeared.  I inherited a voice recorder, and as I often did, I internalized what I saw in the movie.  I walked around for the next couple years or so making "mental notes", random thoughts that I found interesting, funny, ironic, important, or just silly. 

I believe these can be used as life lessons.  These random occurrences of life that seem minuscule at the time can be used to help explain or improve life.  My prayer for you, my readers, is that you receive a lesson or anecdote that will help you in some way, even if only to put a smile on your face.

So, there you have it.  I named my blog "Mental Notes" in order to have a place to continue that legacy of addressing and discussing that which I find interesting, funny, ironic, important, or just silly.  

Enjoy, and please let me know if/how these notes impact your life.  

May God Bless You