Completion - A Quick Note

I recently had the blessing of helping a person finish a program that will help them improve not only their-own life, but their spouse's as well.  It was a wonderful feeling to know that this marked a new phase of life, a new opportunity, a new era.  This may sound corny, I'm cool with that.  We all have phases in life, chapters that we use to mark the start and stop to stages.  This was one of those stages.

Think back with me.  Most of you reading will remember moments growing up, when you realized that there was going to be more expectation, more responsibility.  Even if you don't remember, I'm sure your parents and teachers do remember.  School is based on this concept of stages.  Different grades teach different levels of information.  When you complete certain grades, you have graduation to the next level.  Kindergarten graduates to 1st grade, high school graduates to either college or the workforce.  Cub Scouts graduate to Boy Scouts, and military recruits graduate to active duty.  There are a lot more "graduations" that we sometimes take for granted.  As a man, I know men can sometimes miss opportunities to celebrate ourselves and others into new chapters.  As parents, teachers, counselors, mentors, deacons, etc, we must be intentional in helping to usher younger men (and women) into their new phase of life.

I remember a lot time ago, I was part of a men's group that watched the video series for Men's Fraternity.  I remember thinking that I needed to be more intentional with my son.  With that in mind, I set up a plan to help my son celebrate each stage in his life.  I wanted him to know that he was growing to be a baby to a child, from a child to a young man, and from a young man to a man.  I remember the look on his face when he got his first BB gun and first knife.  He was so proud of himself, as were my wife and I.

Celebrations are fun, but there are deeper reasons for setting steps.  Completion of a goal, task, or phase gives a feeling of accomplishment.  This can translate into a feeling of pride, energizing and preparing the person for the next step.  Stress that has accumulated is (typically) released when the task is completed.  The best reason for setting up steps for completion, is setting up the person for success.  Short term goals help reach longer term goals.  You can't drive all the way across the country without knowing the different individual roads you need to drive toward.  Each road is a step to let you know you are on the right path.

This is not gender specific.  There is a need for men and women to offer guidance and support by giving direction, steps, even expectations.  It is never too late to celebrate with those to whom you give guidance.  Please feel free to share how you help celebrate stages of life.

It's not what you know, but who you know.

The title makes an important point.  Education and knowledge is important, I am definitely not debating that point.  In fact, the reason support and connections is important is to fill in those gaps of knowledge.  I can tell you honestly that I would not be where I am today without the help and support from different people I have met.  Family has obviously been with me the longest, but friends have been just as important.

Many of you reading this will probably be saying, "I know this already".  It all sounds good, like something you would see in a greeting card, but let's look deeper than the cliche "no man is an island".

I am trained in the field of counseling.  There is no business education included in that degree.  I was told the importance of "selling" myself and networking, but there was little practical information given on how to do that.  I had to rely on my real life experience and people I met along the way to teach me what I needed to learn on the business side.  I tell you this to illustrate how open and humble I had to become in order to ask for help.  I didn't want to ask, at first.  I wondered how it would come across. Like many others, I found myself having thoughts that perpetuated the problem.

1.       I felt helpless

2.       I felt hopeless

Helplessness is the feeling that you are alone.  No one is able or willing to help.  No one understands.  This is one of the biggest lies we believe.  This causes isolation, sometimes emotionally, sometimes physically.  In session, when the subject of support comes up, I am often told that no one understands or cares.  I will tell you that I have been through this feeling myself.  It's a terrible feeling to feel alone, weak, and unimportant.  But as I said before, this feeling is a lie.  We tell ourselves this because it seems easier than chancing someone else telling us.  There are people that don't understand.  That is okay.  There are people that don't care.  That is okay, too.  But don't let yourself think that NO ONE understands or cares.  Give people a chance and search out the support that is so vital to progress.

Hopelessness is the second condition that we get into that exacerbates the problem.  Hopelessness is the feeling that nothing will change, no matter what happens.  This feeling intensifies when accompanied by helplessness.  It can also worsen with time.

Yes, I am saying not all wounds heal with time.

Hopelessness also makes us want to isolate ourselves, because if something won't change, why talk about it.  Both of these thoughts keep us from addressing the problem and asking for help.  This is why connections are important.  Sometimes, it takes someone challenging these thoughts, in order to help break through and move forward.

 I'll never forget when I first told my wife that I wanted to go into private practice.   She said, "are you sure you can do that".  She went on to remind me that I had been trained in counseling, but not in business.  That is when I began seeking out the connections that I would need.  Fast forward to the present.  I have learned a lot about business, and from friends that I can still contact if/when I need more advice or support.

This is the take away point:

These relationships didn't just happen.  I talked to several people before making the current connections that I now value so much.  I had to break through the slump of talking to people that didn't understand or didn't care.  I didn't give up.  I now encourage you to do the same.  If you have something in your life that your having difficulty dealing with, search out the help you need.  Don't believe that everyone is the same, that no one cares or understands.  If I can help, let me know, even if it is just prayer.

Thank you for reading.

Vacation is over and I have 2 take home points.

My family and I have been home from our vacation in Myrtle Beach, SC for 2 weeks now.  After a week at the beach, we stopped off in North Carolina to see some good friends for the night before returning home.  Having been to Myrtle Beach before, we didn't feel rushed to "see the sites and spent a lot of time swimming in the pool and hanging out at the cabin.

This is a picture of where we stayed...  13 people under 1 roof...

We all had a great time and the location is beautiful.

 

Looking back over that week, there are a couple main points that I realized are important.  First, it's important to allow yourself to relax, no matter how much you do or do not feel you "deserve" it.  Second, you should keep in touch with family, don't let comments or distance come between you.
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I didn't feel like I deserved a vacation at the first of the week.  I had spent the past month setting up my new office and had not seen a lot of people.  My thought was "why do I need a vacation, I haven't done any work".  At the time, I wasn't thinking about the work that it took to set up the office.  I was only looking at face-to-face time.  I initially went to help watch the kids and allow my wife to relax, I knew I couldn't stay at home and make her take the kids on that 12 hour car ride by herself.  I soon realized how much time and energy I had spent planning for the business, making calls, driving to meetings, etc.  That is where my need for vacation came from, I was mentally and emotionally exhausted.  I didn't want to admit it, but my wife soon convinced me that I needed the vacation as much as she needed a vacation.

The take home point to this is "vacation is as much a mental and emotional break as it is a physical break".  I was able to put my phone down and not worry about checking it, not worry about making calls or marketing.  To be honest, it was the first vacation in many years that I did not, at least in some part, think about work or what I had waiting for me when I got back.  This is what a vacation should be - the absolute separation from an average day.

The second point is family related.  Keep in touch with family.  I have 2 brothers, I do not believe they would mind me saying so, but as most siblings, there were times we did not get along.  Life is different now,  Obviously, we no longer live under the same roof.  They both live in South Carolina, while I live in Mississippi.  There are not a lot of opportunities to get together.  I must admit, I don't call as often as I could, and am sometimes late calling for birthdays...  Sorry, Tim.  But as most will agree, life gets in the way.  That is not an excuse, it is a fact.  A person has to be intentional in any type of relationship, especially when there is a lot of distance between the 2 people.  Plan it, put it in your calendar, do something to help you remember and prioritize time to talk and/or get together.  Trust me, there are a lot of people that would love to be able to talk to loved ones, but don't have the ability or opportunity.  This was evident to me over vacation because there were a lot of conversations about "catching up" on what all had been going on in each family's lives.  I realized how much I had been missing in my brothers' lives and in their family's lives.  Don't make that mistake...

Now, as I stated, my brothers and I did not always get along.  That is not what has come between us though, it is the distance.  But, I do know some families that live close, but still don't talk because of some comments that were made.  For those reading that have come to see me, you will remember that I talk about intent vs. impact, and filters.  Basically, we all have "filters" that influence how we act.  We have to make sure that our intended meaning has the impact that we want it to have.  "But you don't know this person", you might be saying.  That's right, I probably don't.  There are people that are not very nice and you do better not to talk to them, but that is where the family boundaries should be developed.  The boundaries make it possible to have a relationship.  The boundaries make it possible to have a relationship without the negative effects.  Yes, there are exceptions and I will be glad to discuss them if you have a difficult friend or family member.  Give me a call...

Don't lose touch with family over something that can be remedied like hurt feelings or long distance.
    

A New Phase of Life

I have not posted in a couple weeks due to a lot of professional changes happening in my life.  For those reading that don't know, I have left the group of counselors that I was originally associated with, and opened my own office.  This has been an adventure in itself, as I had to find an office, furniture, business permit, software, new business cards, develop forms and documents, and all as quickly as possible.  I ended up leasing an office with Regus.  This is an organization that leases small office spaces to growing businesses.  They offer a lot of amenities, such as front desk staff, kitchen with drinks for guests, waiting room, conference rooms, telephone and internet service, basic office furniture, and all affordable.  to be honest, I do plan on moving to a bigger office when I get a little more settled, but I had to take what I could afford.  Pictured is the current set up.

With everything offered in the lease, I had to purchase the black chairs to make sure my guests had a place to sit...  Business Furniture Solutions cut me a great deal and were wonderful and professional.  Before I "moved in", my 2 oldest kids joined me in the office.

 Pictured to the left is my oldest.  He wanted a picture like he was working.  The picture on the right is my daughter giving me "space saving" ideas...  I have to say, I am happy with my office.  The front desk staff are wonderful and the professionals on either side of my office seem friendly and quiet.

So, let me tell you how this works, in case you come see me.  When you arrive, the front desk staff offer you a drink (water, coffee, tea, cappuccino, espresso, etc) and call my desk to let me know I have a guest.  They will either walk you to my office, the waiting room to watch tv until I come get you, let you sit in the kitchenette, or let you stay at the desk for me to walk you back.  I am very impressed with Regus so far.

Along with the new office, I have also continued conducting seminars.  This past Tuesday, I spoke at the Better Breather Club, hosted by the American Lung Association in Mississippi.  This was the first public/professional opportunity I have had to introduce myself as Toby with Tobias Counseling.  I only wish I had been able to have the business cards in time...

The topic of this month's group was dealing with anxiety, stress and fear associated with chronic medical conditions, such as lung disease.  It was great. There were a lot of wonderful discussions, as different members shared their experiences as well as what gave them hope.  I must admit that I was inspired by the people I met in this group.  There was definitely an atmosphere of love and support.

Along with the office and seminar, I have also been working a lot on developing the needed paperwork for my new office.  I will tell you more about that in a different post.  All I will say for now is, "I have talked to my lawyer everyday for the past week, regarding everything from terms of my lease, to paperwork, to insurance, and have not been charged for a single conversation"....  ask me how.

Before I close, I want to take a minute to thank the Counselors at Crossroads Counseling Center.  They are a great group of counselors with hearts for helping hurting people find joy and comfort.

Hurting others

I would love to be able to say that this post was a topic that came to me randomly and I just wanted to talk about it.  That is not how it happened.  This topic is on my mind because I made a mistake and hurt someone's trust in me.  It happens, right?  But, for those that know me, it is not that easy for me to accept.  It is not enough to generalize or minimize the pain by saying that "everyone makes mistakes", or "everyone causes pain in others, at times".  

In my work as a parent and as a counselor, heck, as a human being, I have to accept that I am not perfect.  I have to realize that I had the best intentions and hope that, in the long run, God can do a Great Work through my mess-up.  That is the Truth that I have to continuously tell myself.  But, once again, that is not good enough for me.  I can't take a back-seat and say, "Well, I messed up.  God will have to fix it".  I don't believe it works that way.  

When I mess up as a parent, I take steps to make it a learning experience for me and my children.  I let my children know my mistake and ask for their forgiveness.  When I yell without reason, I admit that to them and ask for their forgiveness.  I have to take what steps I can to fix my mistake.  It is, after all, my mistake, my responsibility.  

So, how can I use this as a learning experience?  First off, acknowledging the mistake is important. Proverbs 28:13 says:

Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper,

    but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy

Now, I am not a theologian, but I do take this to mean a person needs to admit his mistake, ask for forgiveness, and learn how to keep it from happening again.  Compassion and empathy acknowledge that those wronged may be upset and not ready to forgive.  I have to be willing to understand their point of view and accept that they may still be hurting.  

This is the difficult part for me.  I have trouble accepting that there is nothing I can do.  I feel the drive to make IT better, somehow.  I have to accept that those involved need time to process and heal.  

Let's recap real quick.  We have:

• admit the mistake
• understand and acknowledge the pain caused
• ask for forgiveness, and accept their answer

I believe the next step is to offer to fix the problem however is effective and appropriate.  This may sound easy, but pain can make us say and do things we wouldn't usually say or do.  And, especially as the one that caused the pain, we may feel the drive to do anything asked.  There has to be a direct connection to RENOUNCING the behavior. I stress renouncing in order to specify that whatever is asked must help the offended move past the pain.  This point brings up 2 important considerations:

1. Acts of revenge only cause the pain to be transferred and continued.
2. The focus is on the offended, not the offender.

I have to keep the focus on the other person and do what will help them.  I give up my right to “feeling better” when I hurt the other person and acknowledge my mistake.

Are you ready for this to come full circle?  Sometimes, pain is inevitable.  That’s right.  There are times that no matter what we do, if we do what is right, we will end up hurting someone.  There are correct, moral, and proper decisions that still end up hurting others.  I do recognize this as a fact.  Does this truth apply to my current circumstance?  After a lot of self-assessment, no, it does not apply to me.  I definitely made a mistake.  But I can say honestly, “I had good intentions at heart”, and was “trying to do the right thing”.  That is the aspect that keeps resonating with me, I messed up and the other person was affected, despite my intentions. 

It is at this point where a person must accept that there is only so much that can be done after a mistake.  This is where I currently am, I am at a crossroads where I have done everything I can do, for now, but I feel like I need to do more.  I caused pain and cannot change what happened.  I continue to pray for healing for the other person as I also try to accept my mistake.

While this may sound like a ramble, it has helped me process.  Hopefully, it will also help someone else in a similar situation.  Thank you for reading.    

My First Post

I guess the best "first post" would be to explain the blog name.  The reasoning behind the name may come as a surprise.  It actually has little to due with me being a counselor.  I'll explain:

When I was younger, I saw a movie (the title escapes me right now).  There was a reoccurring gag of the main character talking into a voice recorder every couple of minutes, "mental note" was followed by an obscure comment that had no relevance or importance to the scene in which it appeared.  I inherited a voice recorder, and as I often did, I internalized what I saw in the movie.  I walked around for the next couple years or so making "mental notes", random thoughts that I found interesting, funny, ironic, important, or just silly. 

I believe these can be used as life lessons.  These random occurrences of life that seem minuscule at the time can be used to help explain or improve life.  My prayer for you, my readers, is that you receive a lesson or anecdote that will help you in some way, even if only to put a smile on your face.

So, there you have it.  I named my blog "Mental Notes" in order to have a place to continue that legacy of addressing and discussing that which I find interesting, funny, ironic, important, or just silly.  

Enjoy, and please let me know if/how these notes impact your life.  

May God Bless You