Family Dynamics in Divorce

I have come to a place in my practice where I work with a lot of custody cases.  I work with the children through the instability and uncertainty typically associated with custody disputes.  What I have witnessed is that some parents forget that children still love and want a relationship with the other parent.  Too many children feel pulled in the middle of these disputes, like they have to choose a side.  This is not what family is supposed to be.  At no time in Scripture are children told to only honor one parent, but not the other.

When one parent talks about the other parent in front of the child, seeds of hate and resentment are planted that could potentially grow into the child's personality and actions.  There are some parents that mean no ill-will toward the ex-spouse, and want their child to have a better relationship with the other parent, but negative comments still get in the way.  

The magic word here is "boundaries".  Boundaries are the walls we put up in our mind to keep our mess from spilling over to other people.  Boundaries are what allow people continue working their job despite having stress at home.  Boundaries are what allow us to get along with people, even if we don't fully agree with their views or beliefs.  And boundaries are what teach children how they can love imperfect people.

Parents need to understand that having boundaries does not mean to lie, avoid, or minimize problems.  Lying, avoiding, and minimizing are never appropriate.  Boundaries are for not allowing your mess about someone to spill over onto others that are not/were not directly involved.  To put it in terms of a marriage, you and your spouse not getting along does not automatically mean that the child was mistreated or that the other person is unfit.

I get told all kinds of things about what a person did or how they used to act, rationalizations on how or why a parent understands and "can't blame" the kid for acting a certain way.  Parents try to convince me how bad the other parent is and how the other parent does not deserve a positive relationship with their child.  This is not a question of what a person "deserves".  This is a question of what parents want to teach their children.

For some reason, it is more difficult to hold children accountable when it comes to the ex-spouse. Parents usually tell me that they want their children to show respect to others, act "right", and be an "outstanding" person.  In the context of the ex-spouse, there seems to be more uncertainty or hesitation.  It is a regular occurrence for the parent to stammer and stutter when answering, holding back because of their own view of the other parent.

To wrap this up, and to put it plainly, this treatment and influence on children is wrong.  If there is a case of a child being mistreated, this needs to be handled quickly and appropriately.  Otherwise, expectations for a child's behavior should not change based on who you feel a person is or what they did to you.  Disrespect and spite would never be considered appropriate reactions in any other venue, and should not be considered appropriate for a parent.  My advice is to raise your children to respect both parents.  Teach them that they can love imperfect people.  This allows them to have their own experiences and draw their own conclusions about people.  They will learn how to better interact with this imperfect world.  Who knows, one day, you may receive the very grace and mercy that you taught them.

My disclaimer:  This blog is not meant to point blame at anyone, but to give a bird's eye view of a very common problem.  It is meant to encourage deeper insight and perspective on how a parent's behavior as an adult influences the child's behavior of other people.  A child's welfare and development should always be a primary focus.  As always, if this is something that you feel is an issue in your life, give us a call and see if we can schedule time to see what we can do.

Semi random thoughts about coming to see me.

During a session recently, I was told that I was "weird".  Through the smiles and laughter, I was told that I was fun and different than what they thought a counselor would be like.  When asked what this person expected, they said they thought I'd be an old guy, with a suit, no smile, and overly serious.  I got so much information out of that session, and the person told their parent that they wanted to come back and talk again.  

I'll be honest.  I always thought I'd focus on adults when I went back to school to be a counselor.  After 3 different jobs that focused my attention on children and adolescents, I have to say that I now feel a little differently.  I now love talking with children and teenagers to see what they want and how they plan to get it.  We brainstorm, often over an activity, to see what options they have and how to get their parents on board.  Sometimes, the focus is getting the parents and children on the same page.  Other times, it is working with the parents, to help them know how to interact and communicate with their children more effectively.  

Adults get the same treatment.  I talk with people.  I let them teach me their life and perspective.  I let them describe what they see, think, and feel.  Even when I am not in my office, I have people that tell me about their lives.  Everybody has a story to tell.  

Telling your story is one of the first steps.  I would dare say that you have to set up the context of the situation first, before you know what you can/want to change.  After that, it is a matter of working out specific steps to reach those goals and the "traps" that can stop you.  As a third party observer, I can help you see what helps or hinders your pursuit of your goals.  

The technical side of getting together is pretty cool, I think.  I set people up by phone, but you can also go the the tab on my website that says "schedule an appointment".  This will take you to a secure site with a calendar.  You sign in, decide the day and whether you want an a.m or p.m. appointment,  My site will then notify me that you want a meeting.  

When you first enter my office, you are greeted by a wonderful front desk staff that ask you if you want anything to drink.  Several people have stated how relaxing it is to have a warm drink (coffee, latte, tea, hot chocolate) while they talk.  For me, it seems to ease the tension and "starch" feeling that medical type offices often have.  

You never really know what your missing until you visit.  Come by and see me.  I would love to talk with you.  

New Beginnings

It has been a long time since I wrote something.  This post seems a little late, a week in to January, but life has been incredible.  In a way, this is "one of those" posts about the New Year and all, but it also about all the changes that have happened despite the time of year.  Since my last post, I have taken a part time job, moved to a bigger office (same area), upgraded to a new logo, new website, finally started getting paid back by insurance, and made some wonderful contacts for my practice. My practice is now doing better than it ever has, with a comfortable schedule.  I am extremely blessed with how well this practice has taken off.  But that is not all I wanted to talk about.  I wanted to talk about change, persistence, hope, and pillows.  That's right, pillows.  My wife gave me a wonderful ergonomic memory foam pillow.  I so much more relaxed.  I am also a lot more comfortable sleeping than I used to.  Now, obviously it is not just the pillow that helps me relax.  It is everything I mentioned: change, persistence, hope, and the pillow.  My life has changed so much in the past year, but all for the better.  I had to have persistence to get here, where I felt led to be, and I had to have hope to feed and maintain my persistence.  The pillow is just the illustration of all that for me.  I was not happy with my old pillow, any of them.  I kept trying to find a new one, never settling.  And, as weird as this sounds, I hoped for it for Christmas...  It is new.  It is different.  I had to get used to it, because of the different shape.  This all sounds stupid, I know.  But I pray you can relate this to your life.  If you're not happy with what you have, and you feel that there is better, do your research, find a way to make it happen.  Don't be afraid to ask for help, and be persistent until you get what you need/want.   Persistence is important, because sometimes you have to wait for what you want.  Don't be discouraged.  If there is a change you want to make, let's work on it together.  You can have that new job, better relationship, more comfort or relaxation.  If I can help with support, prayer, ideas, etc..  please, let me know.